


proud

by hydrationstation



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Nakamoto Yuta centric, Other, Sad, bro it’s honestly pretty sad, i’m new how do you tag, slight yuwin but not really, yuta is emo, yuta just wants to make his parents proud
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-21 02:27:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15547572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hydrationstation/pseuds/hydrationstation
Summary: yuta’s sad and his head is filled with too many thoughts.





	proud

the moonlight flows through the window shutters, casting a shadow of light onto the chestnut flooring. the night is quiet, aside from the crickets singing their lullabies and a gentle murmur of voices echoing down the hallway in hushed whispers. yuta sits alone, back pressed against the wall with his legs pulled to his chest. he has his (almost broken) earphones on, even though his playlist ended over thirty minutes ago. he still hasn’t noticed, because his thoughts are there to replace the loud, bouncy beats instead. 

yuta hasn’t stopped thinking since the moon entered the sky. his thoughts continuously race back and forth, left and right and yuta can’t seem to stop them from completely taking over his mind. it’s not that he’s depressed, no. he’s just a little.. sad tonight. he thinks that maybe he’s homesick or something. that’s probably it.

it seems as if decades have passed since yuta was last in japan. he remembers visiting in the spring, when the blossoms were at their peak, flowing through the open city skies. as the memories come back, he feels as if he can still smell his mother’s cooking, maybe even taste the sweet flavors on his tongue. while he was home, his parents seemed to smile more than they have when he was younger. they seemed happier and more content. proud, almost.

yuta wonders what they would think of him if they saw him now. the yuta they last laughed with, isn’t the same person anymore. he’s grown, matured, and changed so, so much, it’s scary to even think about. and it would be even scarier for his parents to have to witness. his mother would be shocked, asking if he was getting enough sleep, enough to eat, enough breaks between practices, and enough love from the other boys. she would worry and his father would just shake his head, disappointed with the way yuta is now.

would they still be proud of him? yuta’s mind begins to travel as he sits in the dark room. if he had the chance to start over, he’s not sure what he would do. be a good idol, or be a good son? his heart aches against his ribcage and the room feels even darker now.

when he was young, he dreamt of the future with happiness in his wide, innocent eyes. he put fame on a pedestal, expecting to live a carefree, luxurious life without a problem in the world. all he really wanted was to make art and have people enjoy it. he wanted to sing and dance. he wanted to make his mother smile, wanted to take the stress off of his father’s hardworking shoulders.

young yuta would be sad if he knew the truth behind the world of spotlights and rose petals. his dreams would be crushed, and he would most definitely decide to go off to college and become a doctor, or lawyer instead. maybe then, his father would accept his fate, instead of criticizing his childish dreams of writing music and being loved by many. 

yuta honestly just feels exhausted.

his bones ache throughout his entire body from the choreography they learned (and continuously practiced) hours before, and his head hurts from the constant thinking and imagining he’s done. he’s tempted to head into the kitchen to grab a cup of tea (alcohol, he means) or something to calm himself down, but the thought of moving from his spot, physically causes him pain.

he wouldn’t have to go through this if he just became a damn doctor.

yuta suppresses a sigh before he (finally) removes his earphones from his ears. then, he slowly allows his body to gravitate towards the chestnut floor. the pain in his back soothes out, as he stretches his spine along the ground. the moonlight from the window spreads across his face and his eyes shut tight. 

the feelings and thoughts that he’s experiencing tonight come with the job of being an idol, just like the layers of makeup, hours of exercise, and varieties of diets do. he knows this, because his co-members have expressed their feelings on this before, one too many times. yuta can recall multiple different scenarios of him sitting with an upset member(s) and having to listen to them express how much pain they actually are in.

one time that will forever stick with yuta, is the first time he saw sicheng cry.

it was a night similar to this one, with the moon high and the atmosphere low. they got home late and yuta could tell that something was off about the chinese boy. his usual spaced out look and his far away, brown doe-like eyes were something that yuta admired about sicheng. the older always wondered about where the other’s mind could go, wondered where he was at in the world whenever he zoned out. but, that night, something was different. sicheng seemed sad.

“let’s talk,” yuta instructed, and to his surprise, sicheng complied almost immediately. it took them a minute or two to find an empty space beyond their crowded dormitory but, the moment they did, sicheng was already breaking down. yuta watched as the boy cried tears of sadness and exhaust. his throat tightened, pushing gasps of air past his plump, bruised (sicheng needs to stop biting on them whenever he’s holding something in) lips. and, all yuta could do in that moment was hold the younger. he held him so, so tight, afraid that if he let go, sicheng would fall apart, shattering and disappearing amongst the dust and memories. yuta couldn’t let that happen. 

“it’s going to be okay. it’ll all be okay,” yuta told him in a hushed whisper, promising. 

and now, all the japanese boy wants is for someone to hold him and tell him the same words. if he was back home, his mother would be the one to do so. but, yuta isn’t home. he’s thousands of miles away in a country that doesn’t even speak his tongue. yuta also doesn’t want to cause anymore unnecessary stress on his members either, so talking to one of them doesn’t seem like the right thing to do. 

so alas, he continues to lay on the floor, ignoring the sting in his muscles and the pangs in his stomach. yuta isn’t depressed (he’s really not!), he’s just a little sad tonight, longing for a home that might not even exist anymore. 

the crickets rhythmic chirps are enough to cast him away to a calming state. yuta falls asleep on the floor that night, hopefully finding peace in his dreams of cotton candy fields and happy, hopeful smiles.


End file.
